A New Life I Have To Embrace, gracefully

You will not know how far have you come until you already did. By that time, you will agree that how much life has mold you to what, a stronger person right now.

Below is my first entry I made when I first born into the career:

MY FIRST ENTRY AS A HOUSEMAN

And currently this is my 3rd posting, many things have happened along the way. I find my confidence, I find my stand and I also find my strength. Along the way I have mature, both physically and mentally. I have matured my feelings, I became numb and loss excitement towards what I have been doing. Perhaps, I don’t have enough passion to continue. But I am still here, tho doing my best. People expect the best of my service, I shall deliver the best.

I am a liar if I told people I have no passion even a little bit on this job, because what started all this if it’s not a little girl big dream? Only, when I started doing the job, I don’t feel the joy. I don’t feel the fun of practicing anymore. Despite saying all these, inside me there is still a hope and a ‘want’ that I need to learn this, upgrade my knowledge about this blablabla, so that my patient can feel save with me. I am doing sooo much more, in the end nothing in return. I came home exhausted, ripped from my freedom and my own free time. I can’t do what I love anymore (it’s good now it’s MCO, I can’t even travel leisurely within my district).

I am thinking, if I don’t have any other plan that can escape this job entirely i might have to live like a zombie for the rest of my life, not to mentioned my neck is currently tied with a debt of 100K, I may not have any other way to pay back my study loan. Sigh. I have to devise a plan to escape at least from the clinical field. I have a few list of what department I would like to further after this. I don’t have the energy anymore to continue doing what I am doing.

Currently I was appointed as the Team Leader, doing that job pun already exhausted. You have to settle things even on your day off, people call and message me anytime they want. I tried to be a good leader however, but I need to be fair to everyone else. The privileged is that I can manage my own schedule. But I don’t want anyone else thinking that their leader is taking the shortcut way of sailing smooth in the department, I sometime have to sacrifice my own schedule so that everyone can be happy of their schedules. Sigh again.

Along the way of the journey, I have people telling me I have the potential to be a very good Medical Officer, that I will do a good job. I got praise and what more from my superior. But what good can it do, when I myself don’t believe in the potential that other people is seeing? I am indecisive and insecure plus overthinking woman, that is not suitable at all when doing the job.

Being a primary physician, you have to make firm decision, and cannot be swayed by anything else. That is one value I don’t possessed. This is me talking about only my job, and my career. I not yet mentioned my personal life, my finance, the economic burden some more. There are soo much more to rant actually.

I am numb to my job, I am doing what is the best, and now I don’t have anymore excitement towards my personal life. Some time, I don’t even care if I get married or not, (but seeing makcik makcik patah peha terlantar sorang tak kahwin, and no one to care for except for the nice nephew she had, suddenly i want to kahwin cepat cepat, ameeenn), I don’t care if I own a good clothes or what, I don’t care about birthdays anymore (except for the one I love), I mean things that previously I care, I don’t anymore.

I don’t find the excitement of meeting new peoples. I am happy with my cats, I rarely go out now since it’s MCO (which totally make it worse). In my day off, I only do the schedule and watched netflix. ‘

I think this is a new journey (which I am not prepared for) that I have to embark and embrace – gracefully. There is no point complaining anymore, since nothing can be done. By March this year, complete one year I am in the service. What I can hope is, that the society can be more empathy towards us the healthcare. We are trying to deliver our best, so please try to understand. We are doing our job. And it is not easy, never does one job in this world is easy. So that’s why it is good if we can be understand of each other misery.

Thank you all.

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