Eh, Awa Macam Dah Ok Jer?

Hai, dah lama kann tak dengar khabar saya? Hiks so akan ada soalan .

“Awa dah ok ke tu?”

“Awa macam dah ok jer? dah tak dengar dia meroyan sangat kat twitter”

Trust me I am not. I am adapting but never even one time I was okay. There’s still this ongoing guilt that I may have chosen a wrong career in my life. That is why adik-adik, make a good and right choice. It’s impossible to know which one is the right choice right away but at least, don’t ever think only doctors are the job that guarantee a great respectable life. No. I don’t even have work-life balance anymore.

And I feel bad at myself, I am not treating myself good and I am torturing myself by making this choice. But whatever, choice already been made 6 years ago, nak u-turn, seems like another bad choice. So, don’t make a second bad choice. Enough with one.

Sometime, I wonder if kalau suddenly aku nak tukar kerja, as kerja dengan mana-mana F&B outlet ke, can I pay back my student loans yang almost 130k tu? See, the payment working as doctors may seem great at first but believe me half of it we spend to pay our study loans yang ratus ribu tu kot. Entah sampai bila baru habis bayar. Sigh. I don’t spend my two months gaji that much pun. Gave it to my mom, jamu orang makan sikit and dah, the rest simpan buat emergency fund if in any time things go south.

No one knows how long will I survive in the system.

I think my friends are doing great. I know they also struggle a lot and I don’t say they have it easier than me pun. We all started the same and have to struggle too. But to compare la kan, I think my friends semua lagi competent than myself. I am not fit to become a doctor.

See, I am hard with myself as usual. Tchh.  Takpelah it will get better kot nanti.

Last week I managed to go and seek professional help. We talked and discuss about my anxiety. I am not depress I am just anxious and overthinking. I am not living in the present. I keep thinking and worrying about things that yet to happen.

The counselor asked me was it worth it for their scoldings to be part of your life? Are they part of your life? After you finish your postings, will you see them again? It is not worth it to cry on your off day while you can do things you love masa tu? We talkes for an hour jugak masa tu, and masa tu I post call. So towards the end to I got a bit sleepy wei hahaha sorry doctor.

Perkhabarannya beginilah:

Susah sebenarnya nak adapt. Dah nak masuk dua bulan pun, kau masih di tahap yang sama. Rasa macam improve dah sikit tapi masih juga buat salah. And some stupid mistakes pulak tu bila entahla nak jadi competent. Entah betul ke aku boleh jadi doktor ni? Habis dua  tahun ni aku tak rasa pun nak jadi MO. Cemburunya tengok senior-senior yang  mantap bab – bab hospital ni.

Itu  je la  nak cakap. Bye. Masih lagi ni bertahan. Taktau bila akan rebah. Salam 24 Ramadhan guys. Selamat berbuka puasa.

 

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