Let’s start the day with something positive and cute … shall we? These are my boy and my girls. All healthy. Putih had some problems with her left lung laa, just started her on Antibiotic. Let see after a week. Pray for her speedy recovery okay.
So, I started the job with government on 16 Mac laa, we went to PTM at Ipoh, Perak. And due to COVID19 issues, and RMO which just started at that time, everything is chop chop fast and furious betul. PTM and orientation day everything shortened to just 2-3 days, while it should take a week to complete usually.
The day started with my first posting in O&G department. I am like the super super junior laa. Dah la first poster + tagger pulak. I was gasping for air already when finishing my two weeks tagging period. I think my fate with this department was quite strong, I almost immediately could sense that I would be sorted into this department first thing first.
I was quite happy because this department was my favorite due to its straightforward management and materials. So I wasn’t that ‘worried’ pun. But, yeah orang kita cakap “jangan cakap besar, nanti menyesal” kahkahkah. Sapoo yang cakap tu, masin betul mulut, rasa nak sekeh je kepala.
TWO WEEKS IN THE TAGGING PERIOD WAS HELL!!!
I cried on my 5th(?) day kot, in the ward. Was scolded by my MO la, I broke into tears at that moment (I think it was because I was super tired and exhausted already). Imagine having to come by 6:00 in the morning, you should have wake up by 5:00 o’clock already, and expected to leave the hospital at 10:00 pm, every single day. Whoever don’t lose her/his mind and claimed that he/she is not tired, I salute you guys. I was not okay.
After crying, I continued my ward work, I was stationed at Gynae ward at that moment and that day suddenly the ward full house mehhh. From the start of my work until now. I felt like a useless piece of shi*t, and nonfunctional human who knows nothing about ward work.
I reviewed patient so slow like a snail laa, even snail pun pandang sebelah mata je. I flipped over the patient’s documentation (BHT= Bed Head Ticket) like there’s no tomorrow laa and didn’t know what I was looking for. Even until now, that ‘pink’ book mothers carry around when pregnant, took me some time to find information. It’s everywhereeee. Idk why the pink book is sooo hard to process aiyaaa.
I think, in my last few months waiting for the job offer, I might has underestimate HOUSEMANSHIP a little bit. I was quite sure I can stand strong, and finish this 2 years max, with no extension and be an excellent HO. Now? KAHKAH let’s laugh. I don’t think I will work to be an excellent HO pun laa, I just want to survive AS LONG AS I CAN je. At least, do some work, senangkan kerja orang lain, learn as much as I can, and the choice to continue in clinical practice or not, later I will decide.
As long as I do no harm to the patient, it’s more than enough for me.
My anxiety skyrocket the moment I started working. I keep seeing and assuming that my friends have their training easy, or their hospitals are treating them good. While actually, they are the same and I’m seeing only the good part they chose to show me, while the bad parts, they are enduring and suffering as much as I am right now.
One part of the training that you will do a lot of mistakes. By a lot I mean in everyday basis, and most of them are silly mistakes. But we are not expected to repeat the same mistakes, that is just dumb laa. Second part of the training is, you will surely get scolded. Being scolded is HO baseline laa. You won’t escape a day without any scolding. Sure you’ll get one or two at most in good day, while in bad day, pheww … a nightmare.
A quick story:
I was doing my pm review with a patient D1 post caeseren section, while checking the wound dressing only from the outside, I can see that it was soaked. But the norm to take out the wound dressing is on D2, before discharge. So, I did nothing but I documented it. So when it reached my MO while doing review with them, ofc I was scolded. One of the reason was, I didn’t check the wound, and the wound dressing was soaked while she’s receiving s/c Clexane (ubat cair darah) at that time, what if she was having an active bleeding from the wound?!!
pheww, thank God after inspecting, the wound was clean and intact.
So lesson learnt, how busy I am, I will always check the wound dressing of the patient esp one receiving clexane/heparin.
My anxiety worsen day by day, I even cried during my offday wei. Crazy isn’t it? Crying time kau cuti. Like, who care bout hospital time cuti? When you offday, you offday habis-habisan laa, buat apa cry cry mehh. But that is me, I cried when looking at my schedule in two weeks time. Attudiaa, punya jauh overthinking.
I feel afraid to come to work. And I am unhappy to be in the system. I tried to find a way to escape, but I just don’t see it. I have nothing else to do but to try to stand strong as much as I can, however the system is treating me. Only way to pay back my study loan. Dia punya takut nak datang kerja tu, I played Yassin and recite together in the car while driving to work. I am sure God would loooveee to help.
I can stand not eating or drinking for the whole time. But the pressure, perghh totally kills me and kills my passion. It’s a department with full medicolegal risks. You wrongly recorded the time when your MO was seeing the patient, sure you’ll get scolded.
The dr was right laa, if anything happened they will look back at all documentations retrospectively. That is the pressure to document everything right and perfectly. And all those ‘keep reminding’ me about risks and legals actions, sound like a threat hahahaha and made me afraid to do any work. haiyaaaa.
One of the specialist even said to me “Being a first poster into the department is a nightmare. They should only let like third poster and above to enter. But what to do, that is the system. Stay strong and soon you’ll be like your seniors. May the force be with you”
Btw, my beloved seniors are leaving the department real soon. I am about to cry. I don’t have anyone to depend help. I shall squeeze every bit of knowledge now. haha.
Pleas pray for my mental health also. I am blessed with good seniors and teammates, and I am adapting but I am unhappy. I will try to take things day by day, and each day that passed, shall not bother me. Whatever everyone think about me, will not define me. I shall stay strong, not for 2 years but as long as I can.
signing out, HO Najwa, three weeks in the system.