For years I’ve been living with, if it can be measured I’ll say, not even 50%-ish confidence level. It has been that low for almost all my life. Of course it has its own ups but most of the time, it’s at below average level.
And for over years I’ve challenged myself to find love within myself. No one can love me more than I love myself, but I failed at several attempts. I deleted my social medias, shut down myself for over a year and a half. I went to the gym, tried to overcome the fear of self-image by changing it; under the clause: trying to be healthy – so I won’t feel bad about hating myself. And, when I did succeed, what to say – I was at the comfortable stages, the plateau phase of self-improvement. I am comfortable with myself, that I started to go lenient with dear self.
When I had positive validations from my friends, which I didn’t get before – I started to think ‘that’s it! I’ve done it. I’ve won society’s affection and may have achieve half of the beauty standard.’ – so I thought I should go lenient with myself. Don’t push too hard.
Then everything’s changing. I’ve gained weight, almost hitting 10kg haha. And I started downgrading myself again. I hate my body, hate mirrors, hate to wear good fitted dress/blouses again. I realize, the happiness I won as a trophy before, none of them were permanent. It’s only temporary.
I am not truly happy with myself. And for some reasons, still hate myself.
I think, it’s not a Pisces girl personality traits or any Zodiac-based personality traits you read online. It’s a huge problem with millennial girls. We have been brainwashed with beauty standards, and I believe it’s geographical. Asian girls believe white and fair skin is the epitome of beauty. It’s a privileged to have white skin. Even the beauty market here targeting products with bleaching and whitening ingredients – which somehow are bad for people’s health.
While in the Western countries – a tanned skin, or golden brown skin is deemed beautiful than pale, white skin. They believe people with tanned skin come from a higher class family as they can afford going to the beaches, basking under hot sun – make it simple, they can afford vacations and holidays – or can get it done at any beauty centre.
I don’t have problem with my skin complexion and I am not in dire need to change it to any shade higher than what I am now. However, I have a problem with my body image. I believe to look good in any clothes, you have to have that perfect body image :- small, petite physique, long legs and small thigh, great smile with perfect teeth, small waist and curvy hips, but not too big for people to look and say it’s fat.
It’s a lot, right? haha and it’s ridiculous and nonsense.
Every girls will, at least, fantasize about getting into one of good clothes sold online, one with good shape at the waist, and looking all good with all the accessories, at least once. However, none of the clothes will look good on me as it does to other girls. And with the problem I had, I believe, it’s my fault not having a good curve at my hips, or it’s my fault to have above average waist measurement for girls. It’s always easy to point fingers at your body and hating yourself even more.
I decide to make peace with myself.
I know, this will be a never ending battle. It’s a fight not meant to be won. It’s a struggle I believe, would never cease. I can only make peace with myself. I can never win against what the harsh world has fed me, and other girls. I can’t say no to the beauty standards nor I can change it. Its only myself I can make peace with. A struggle which will always exists, I wish to fight it. And make peace with it every time.
And also this time.
I hope you can too.