Half-baked Year

It’s a normal thing people embracing new year with new resolutions. Some resolve to complete tons of things in a year, some simply recycle last year incomplete resolutions which were actually recycled from two years ago. Some determine to achieve something for own self; losing some weight, be free from toxic relationships or others might perfectly reanimate the phrase ‘go with the flow’.

If you ask mine, I will say I have no specific resolutions for this year but to be happy and love myself more. Because hating myself and condemning own potentials in all those previous years had been exhausting and too harsh for me. Before, were bumpy rides for me. I wish for nothing than a smoother sailing ahead.

August 16th, it’s already two months passed mid 2017.

Being in a tunnel of complete darkness before, I am proud to say that right now I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. But to reach the light, I have to move further ahead and complete my journey.

I have been dealing with anxiety, insecurities and self-deprecation before and still are. I shut myself for a year and living my life all gloomy. The feeling of never good enough, the fear of people negative validation upon me and the images of failure project themselves before me. These incessant thoughts keep ruminating days and nights. But I am good at hiding my emotional turmoil and put on a mask for a year. Last year.

Until the start of my clinical year, my group mates noticed my everyday gloomy and sad mask I put on. Because I chose to stand in the corner, alone, doing my own things rather than ‘chitchatting’ with them. I had been asked “Why Najwa look so sad?” everyday by them. And I had nothing good to answer them but thank God, ‘listening to the music’ had been my best excuse so far.

Have I ever reach for help?

Yes. But none did good to me. I have been indecisive for my entire life. So I stepped out of  my comfort zone and volunteered to be the director of the annual dinner. That was my best step taken, at the moment, in hope it would turn good. But expectations were set way up too high and I, again failed to reach them. I am disappointed of myself and it made me sinking lower than I already did.

And I said to myself;

“So, I’m done!”, “Nothing good coming from me!”, “I messed up big time. People won’t trust me anymore!”

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Nevertheless, it was my biggest achievement and most unforgettable moment of the year for me.

Until end of last year, I made some new friends. And that made such a huge difference in my life. Those people tought me that I need constant reminders and encouragements coming from people close to me. Somehow, I know the solutions to my problems but I need some good pats on my back and ears to my stories.

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So I decided to pull off my mask in front of them. I let myself being pulled deeper and deeper, so that I could be freed from any denials and excuses. Then I allow those hands pulling me up.

Whether it is good to have great and big circles of friends or not, what I can say is I am proud of myself having them around. Conflicts happened in between but strong bonds won’t be shaken by mere misunderstandings and small fights. Communication is the key, and it must be mutual.

A lot happened in the last eight months; confession and rejection, being told million times to keep myself off caffeine for a while, awareness of own health and the risk of getting hypertension, being turned down for numerous things, offered countless potentials which most of them put me in tight spot and struggling with decision every now and then. Despite all complaints and little fights I have been through, for past months I learnt:

  1. putting emotions alongside arguments wasn’t a good thing to do. By time, you’ll be overwhelmed by your emotions and your justifications won’t even make any sense.
  2. Don’t make any excuses after saying sorry. Sorry is the end of an argument. Your excuses will just create another.
  3. Forgiving or forgetting is not the hardest part yet but admitting is. Admitting to your mistakes take up most of your courage but to embrace them is another part of the story. They said “the first step is always the hardest”. Absolutely yes, admitting is the first step to end an argument nicely and eventually the hardest.
  4. Be careful to who you vent on. Some people will make it worse.
  5. It is better by far to stay silent than telling unnecessary things. You’ll end up regretting most of your words. And words spoken cannot be unspoken.
  6. Confrontation is the key. Don’t let the other side left hanging. If you feel bad about something, do talk. If you think someone did wrong to you, tell her so she knows and the best part is to let her justify her side. You are wrong to think that things will resolve by keeping silent.
  7. Respect each other decisions and principles. You are the spectator of his life, not the player.

Living with anxiety for these four years; but not to the point of getting anxiety attack or taking prescribe medications yet (hopefully not), I have to learn more practical ways to control myself and how to not let the mind taking control of my body. Usually, whenever I am anxious about something, my breathing would be slightly disturbed, my heart pumping vigorously; sometimes I experience palpitations three to four times a day; all the blood come to my face and head, my face feels hot and goosebumps all over my body. And I almost end up doing something stupid, saying and request things which I shouldn’t.

 

I did the test, and the result for my anxiety category isn’t normal but not too bad. So I hell-bent have to work this out and seek a better way to win against my anxiety. It is a half-baked year and four months are yet to come; I hope by the end of this year, a clear path will appear in front of me. My mind needs a moment of silence. My mind had enough of those shits thoughts and ridiculous expectations and fears for years already.

 

So hopefully, things will get better. Signing out.

 

 

 

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