Biggest shits are actually coming from yourself and you just do not know them: So, if you think everyone is being unfair, because they keep throwing ‘shits’ at you, think again. ‘Are they just returning ‘shits’ that you, firstly threw at them?’ or ‘Are they really your own ‘shits’ that you deny over and over?’
I came across one tweet on my twitter timeline this evening. It was a simple question that had me wonder.
‘Have you ever stopped liking someone you liked a lot and suddenly notice that they are a shitty person and realize how blinded you were by how much you like them?’
The answer would be a definite no.
I don’t know if he is reading/will read this somehow but I do hope he read it anyway. I won’t put my hopes up too high because my blog never receives frequent visitors but I do wish he will come across this post in the near future.
NO. HE IS NEVER A SHITTY PERSON. (but I used to think of him that way)
What shitty about this thing is actually my attitude. But it was too late when I finally realized this. Yes, I fell in love with how wonderful he was back then. His smile, his jokes and concerns all felt just right. Even though some people had slightly different opinions about him and stuff related to him but I just didn’t mind any of them. People have different ways of loving and this is mine. Once I set my heart on someone it would be way too difficult to let go.
And yes, before any of you ask me things like “did you say you love him?”, “does he know?”, “did you confess?” – yes again he knew I had feelings for him for quite some time and I was quite sure he understood that these feelings were genuine. Long story short, I was rejected. Well, I already knew the outcome of this confession. I was already expecting the answer to this one-sided love I had for three years. But I kept my courage to still look up to him because I couldn’t put anyone above him. I reassured myself again and again, that there was still a glimpse of hope. I am a firm believer of attitude-matters-more-than-look, so I worked hard on my attitude.
However rejection hit me so hard like never before. I taught I handled it well and I actually gave him my word – ‘don’t worry I can handle myself so please continue on our lives and yeah, we can still be friend’. But I broke it. I was not being cool about it, not even close to being cool.
It’s a shitty attitude. I cursed him, I accused him for never fucking care about my feelings. I accused him because of my own mistakes. It wasn’t a big deal at first, at least for me but by time it became the main reason why I hate myself for pissing off at him of things that I shouldn’t. I was so overwhelmed by my emotions at the moment, that all my reasoning and words seemed to slack off. They did not make any sense at all.
It took me a week to finally realized what was wrong. Admitting was another part of the story. Reasons why I couldn’t let everything go was because I kept on finding small mistakes to fire him and put him behind the bar of my own-made jail. A jail to contain people who my subconscious mind claimed guilty.
When I realized, it was already too late to make everything back to the way it used to. I wanted to say my apologies but god knows how much apologizing I already did before to him. Even though I was mad at him, I still made my apologies to him but never actually, one hundred percent meant it because I believed there were some mistakes from him which he should admit. But he didn’t.
What I always wanted, was to receive life lessons in good, nice and decent ways. But life made me accept those lessons in cruel and shitty ways. I had to hurt people in the process. I could not handle the consequences of hurting people so I hurt myself as a defense mechanism which kept me in denial state of “we are both hurt, so it’s a tie”.
I learnt my lessons but I wonder was it worth? It was already this bad when I realized. And I don’t quite sure how to make everything back to the way it was.
Moving on, no matter how life throws lessons at you, be calm and cool about it. I hope I don’t hurt another person with the same stupid reasons ever again.
So, if you think everyone is being unfair, because they keep throwing ‘shits’ at you, think again. ‘Are they just returning ‘shits’ that you, firstly threw at them?’ or ‘Are they really your own ‘shits’ that you deny over and over?’
However, you know yourself better. Do not give in to what is not your fault. But if you think and feel a little off somewhere, identify them and quickly make a move. Admit them and don’t deny them because it won’t help. If you deny them, your heart will never be at ease.
‘Shits’ are coming from your own self and you never know. God bless people who, for all this time, have miraculously stay and put up with my attitude.
p/s: he is still wonderful now. but I am not in love with him right now. so I’m wishing the best for him and whatever he is and will be doing.
Source: google image