Malas dah nak fikir. I am exposing about myself too much. So I decide to shut everything down from now onwards. No more my stories, no more my feelings. Sekarang ni apa aku rasa, apa aku fikir, apa aku suka, minat aku, my growing interest about something; I’ll keep them quiet. Lantaklah apa aku rasa, dah semua orang taknak ‘cakap’ what is wrong! Nak aku figure out. They knew how my brain works. I can’t if someone diam je dengan aku, until I have a solid answer that this isn’t my fault, up till then “IT IS ALWAYS MY FAULT”.
That is how my brain works. And it worn out. I am tired. Please I am not strong.
So now sekarang ni lantaklah apa aku nak rasa. Pendam je Awa. Nothing good will come out if I speak up pun. Penat nak figure pasal orang. Dah aku memang macam ni. Aku selalu fikir semua kesedihan orang tuuu semua salah aku.
Ye aku yang salah! That happens because of me! My fault. Fair and square my blame!
I am torturing myself in the worst way. My subsconcious mind no longer have its optimism. My subsconcious mind always on blaming, firing bad vibes onto my conscience. Oh my godness, what have I become! 😭
Marching forward Awa! Don’t look back! Don’t let people know about you. Let them assume cause assuming is always wrong and Awa you are ALWAYS on the right side. It is such a wrong way of thinking, but I am done. I’m done thinking for the sake of someone else.
IT IS GOOD TO HAVE FEELINGS, THEY SAID.
“But mine was too deep. If I love, I love too hard. If I trust, I give them wholly.
But there is one thing I can’t go in too deep.
I can’t hate a person. I often let go. It is a good thing but I never learn. They say I am innocent”
Well, naive or innocent?
Penat wei. Otak kau pun penat. Tapi solusi sekarang ni apa?
Your feelings ar significant, Awa! This is what I always tell myself. For you, it is significant.
But, know one thing Awa! This one thing keep it in mind. That for others, your feeling is INSIGNIFICANT! IMMATERIAL! INCONSEQUENTIAL! LITTLE!
Just know that!!! 😭😭😭
I know people never think that way, but f them. I’m done 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭.