You know “Taboo” 

Nak jadi perempuan yang baik baik. Should expose yourself to good deeds. Nak jadi perempuan yang kuat. Your heart must endure the unbearable pain before it stone and not a single sword can slice through. 

They said. 

But the pain cause more than just a strong heart. It rips confidence, self-worth, loyalty off yourself. Making you, a mere walking human with no humanely soul. 

This is a taboo topic.

Kalau bercakap soal sakit, rasa diri ni tak berguna, unworthy, rasa tak layak disayangi; those things became daily lyrics played along with sorrow rhythm and beats, making it impossible to keep it in the heart, so you let it out. But it is a taboo. Kan? Cakap pasal benda ni berulang kali. You seek no solutions but a mere attentions. Yes itu aku. Macam manusia tak bertuhan taktahu nak bersyukur. 

“Orang cakap; dah lah sembang pasal benda ni sekali dua kali. Kalau banyak kali kau sentuh pasal benda ni, macam nak cari attention je”

Macam “hey guys I am here! I am in pain” but what’s funny is the pain never subside. Like I put no effort untuk subside kan pain tu. 

So, what else is a taboo?

Love. Love topics. Nature of human being is to love and be loved. What cause the pain is when you loved and perhaps, requesting the same thing in return; but never get one. I am a girl in dire need to be loved, by the opposite sex. But to find one, is like searching through millions gemstones to finally get the genuine gems. But it’s obvious to likely mistook them with the fake one. As I am the one with the least experience. 

Takdelah aku desperate sangat nak kan boyfriend, tapi because of past events that made me feel so unworthy, aku kadang terfikir “isn’t i am good enough to br loved” and pastu terfikir “kenapa takde orang suka aku? Unworthy sangat ke?”. So I’ll start hoping for someone to come up front, and prove to me I am someone worth loving. 

So hoping much hurts the most! 

I fall for kindness easily! 

I love kind people. Pftt, who doesn’t? Isn’t kindness is a basic humane actions? Why should there be an act of misunderstanding? Erghh. That is what troubling me the most. Those two things shouldn’t be symbiotic at all; kindness-misunderstanding. 

And ohhh! Can you relate to this? (above). That is how you prevent a scar. You wouldn’t want a scar but you wouldn’t won’t to forget also. So that’s how you do it. You purposely let it bleeds some more, but you won’t push it through; you won’t go all the way, you just let it bleeds and stings enough to make you tearing up but not crying. Enough to make you remember. Then you put it down, close it and keep it to yourself. Better that way. If anybody knows the exact spot to make you bleed, it becomes a torture. Don’t make yourself nakedly exposed. 

I am in no position to choose! 

People choose for me. I live to please others. I guess. Really, aku takut dengan kenyataan orang taksuka, annoy, dengan aku. Aku cukup takut aku tak fit in dalam society, batch. Aku takut aku ni jadi bahan gossip orang ramai. So that’s why I am afraid of how my doings will affect others even though my not doings will effect me more. I should be fair to my own self rather than thinking about others, i just know but that won’t happen.

My happiness is the happiness of people around me. 

Imagine this: 

Blerghhhh. Nothing comes out sorry.

The fact that I can’t choose who to love is one fact I want myself to not hold! Macam 

‘siapa aku suka is bukan satu benda yang penting sebab aku pasti I can’t even get and make him fall in love with me. So I shouldn’t be picky of who should I love. A feeling yang aku tak diperlukan pun untuk try perjuangkan apa yang aku rasa. Things that dear to myself. And those is not a fact made to me. It is my own troubled subconscious mind trying to drug me with the bad doctrine’

So … 


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