This love is about to surface after three years I kept it well hidden and secure in my heart. Most people find it pleasant and happy to be around people they love, but that is a different story for me. I found it; suffocating and heartbreaking, to be around him. It was like, a moment I want to escape, from him or anything connected to him. As I fear judgement from him, I fear I can’t make his day the way others made.
I always said “Because he symbolise the whole world to me, I bet all his opinions and actions seem so deadly important to me”
However, this suffocating feeling is dying to surface recently because I thought I am big enough to handle feelings like this. I still haven’t had a slightest idea that this will become a point I decide to move on and look forward, in the directions without him. Unbeknownst to me I can come up with this decision.
Because world doesn’t revolve around you, and the topic of the discussion cannot always be about you. Whether you like it or not, you have to accept that you cannot be the center of attention all the time. You cannot have his eyes on you all the time. You have to bravely embrace the fact that you will always fall to the second or even third options for the time being, while you and him are not officially tied together; or even if you are, you still don’t have the world with you. He doesn’t belong to you as fully. For such a possessive person, you have to learn to accept this fact.
This is the result of my long, lost-and-found, thinking quest recently, I think I made it to, about, ten years ahead; moving on is the best option. When I decided to move on, put aside and cast this feelings I had for three years away;- his actions, words, opinions; neither of them will matter to me. I can gracefully live my day in my own ways and with my own terms, without thinking;- ‘is my doing to his liking or not?’ or ‘will he think me as a pathetic person if I do this?’.
But moving on is the hardest part. When you know there is nothing wrong with loving him; just that you don’t get loved in return and end up being unhappy af when you see him laughing with other girls.
“You know what; I feel like a loser because I can’t make him laugh while he laughs so hard with other girls’ groups. It’s just that whenever I am around him, I think too much of whether he likes it or not. I can’t be true to myself when I’m with him. I am a person full of love and I cannot show that to him. That is really sad!”
I will try my best not to look up too much of him. I will try not to come to a conclusion of ‘whatever he thinks is everyone’s thinking as well’. But until now, I just love him. Still. A sight of him from afar still makes my heart race a lil bit.
Hey you creature of the Earth, please know that I love you so much that even thinking about you is sickening. I am sick of myself. Your smile is my greatest weakness. So know that please. At least for a moment till I completely move on.