JUDGE FIRST! : Why I judge my friends before they can judge me.

My best friend said to me once:

“You judge! You judge people. That’s it. You judge them before they can do so”

Yes I am. I admit that I judge people around me easily. For example; I want to wear clothes I love, or eat as much as I can, or even trying to look as beautiful as any other girls out there by wearing skirts they are wearing, scarf they are having and put on shoes of the same brand. I am not use to floral pattern scarf, or a white long cardigan; but I love seeing girls strolling around with those on, so I would like to try. But what if people don’t like it? What if they don’t look good on me? What if people think I am better off without them? What if I look ugly in those?

That what is meant by my best friend; you judge people before they can do so. I judge ‘people won’t like me’ when there is no chance they will see and judge.

Negative judgement is a death sentence to our self-esteem. Better to be invisible than judged negatively by our peers. – Elizabeth Seda, A life on Your Terms

Judgement is not a good thing, when it renders you and people around you with negativity, arrogant and feeling of you are a much better person than others. However, I believe the ‘symptom’ I’ve been having for a while isn’t the usual ‘judgement’ but rather because I am too afraid of people judgement towards me.

Because I can’t handle the hurts and miserable feelings of being judged, I bother not to give them a chance to judge. So silently I judge them in every steps or decision I am making. The culprits of my incompetence in making decision is my mind itself; my mind ruminates whether to do or not; and the questions continue with ‘if I do what people would say’ and ‘shouldn’t do this because people will think like this and this’ . It’s not easy to live with these silent talks inside our head, insidiously killing my confidence from within.

Consistently exposing yourself to challenges and overcoming them not only builds your confidence in your competence and worth as an individual, it’s also an expression of self-respect in and of itself. – Elizabeth Seda, A life on Your Terms

So analogically, I put up a wall barrier in front of me from other people. This way, I am not letting other people to hurt me and I believe this way I am not hurting myself too. The wall is transparent; so I can still show them my emotions and empathy but they cannot touch me. But I am wrong. It did more harm than good to myself.

Last few days, I came across an interesting article, discussing vulnerability, self-esteem and fear of judgement. Elizabeth talked about how to shed off layers of self-made armors and confront the world, naked and raw. She gave tips on how to free yourself from the fear of judgement. One of them is, being less judgmental frees you from being judged.

“Every time you judge someone else you perpetuate the cycle of judgement. You’re only afraid of being judged on the things you find yourself judging others on.” – Elizabeth

She gives a perfect example about the above quotation. If you ask yourself, whether you commonly judged on someone’s metatarsal flexibility or not? I will say ‘No’. And do you fear someone is judging your metatarsal flexibility? However if you ask a ballerina the exact questions and judgment, the answer is yes.  Having a flexible foot is part of having good feet for ballet. It’s something they judge on their peers and, in turn, will fear judgement on.

Makes sense right?

And there is one article about Vulnerability And Self-Esteem which is so interesting and refreshing. A good thought on “the more I tried to protect myself, the weaker I got.”

“Some armor is dedicated to protection from emotional pain, some is for mental pain, some is for imagined pain, and still other types of armor you use to protect yourself from interacting with the world in any way that would leave you exposed.” – Elizabeth

I put on those armor for years and until now they do not do me any good. I feel trapped and scared of own thoughts. I feel like I am never enough. I picture myself as a fictitious, perfect lady with a perfect life. A life, I think most of us would want as much as I want; having good body shape, beautiful shoes and clothes, flawless skin, excellent grades, accepted by others, kind friends and family circles; and the list goes on. In those armors I walk around and greet people, socializing, been in conversations. In those armors I create a lie, a fictional tale told by a sacred soul inside. The soul needs mending. I need to shed off layers.

“I discovered that it was impossible to interact with the world on the level I needed to in order to achieve my mission while I was covered in heaps of armor. It became a constant barrier to forming relationships, learning, discovery, and development.” – Elizabeth

I need to improve. I will. #pray


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